Breaking news! L’Oréal is to stop manufacturing lipstick. I was speaking with L’Oréal’s head of product development, Ms Cherry Glossie (her real name), the other day when she let the news slip. I’d had a Zoom meeting with her to see where production of Cecily cosmetics was at. I’d always thought it would be fun to have a Cecily cosmetic line, so I’d sent Cherry samples of various cosmetics I had developed just before the pandemic. Amongst other items there was a blusher called ‘A Red Awakening’, a facial compact named ‘Powder to the People’ and an antiperspirant called ‘Pit Stop’. Unfortunately Cherry dispelled any aspirations I might have to be a makeup magnate. She’s not one to beat about the bush Cherry; she told me that as Cecily was already 100% made up, she saw no point in her making her make up. I was so deeply disappointed that I could feel the colour draining from my face. Fortunately I had several hundred kilograms of blusher near at hand.
It was then that Cherry delivered her lipstick bombshell. Due to mask-wearing women don’t see the point in donning lipstick. Consequently lipstick sales have dropped faster than my ageing breasts. Cherry hypothesised that women were letting themselves go in other ways behind their masks, and we could expect an epidemic of tartar encrusted teeth and moustaches when the masks finally come off.
Not being a quitter I then contacted Estee Lauder and their product development director, Mx Beau Tockser (Zie real name). Beau told me to forget oral cosmetics, instead I should concentrate on the eyes – that’s where zir focus is. Beau wanted eye makeup that said, ‘I’m happy’, I’m sad’ and ‘I love you’. I told Beau I have a dark eye shadow called ‘20 Winks’ that says, ‘I’m tired’, but zim wasn’t interested, telling me to go back to the drawing board. I was so angry that I could feel the blood rushing to my face. Fortunately I had several hundred kilograms of facial powder near at hand.
With my cosmetic empire crumbling I offered my make-up samples to a local mortician and crematorium. I reasoned the dead can’t be as fussy as Cherry or Beau, but they are. The mortician I spoke to, Finn Ishing (from Funerals R Us), said they prefer to use the deceased’s own make-up. Failing that they use makeup products from quality manufacturers such as L’Oréal and Estee Lauder. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, he then offered to incinerate my surplus samples for free. What with the agitation this provoked, and my proximity to some sort of furnace I started to sweat like a politician who’s been asked to hand over their tax returns. Fortunately I had several hundred kilograms of antiperspirant near at hand.
Utterly defeated I’ve now changed tack. I have several different surgical masks, each with a different facial expression that I’ve drawn by hand myself. I then choose the mask that matches my mood. That way I can easily convey, ‘I’m happy’, I’m sad’ or ‘I love you’. If I don’t want to be bothered I’ve got one with a couple of teeth missing and a hairy upper lip – it works a treat.
Much love to you all